No matter how much I talk about school with it literally being the existence of my very being at this moment meaning if I didn't have school I wouldnt have a life. School or College at this point is my life, is my job, and especially my way of socializing with others outside of my household (eventhough I only talk to my mom I have stopped converseing with my brother). I attend CCSF in the city and I'm working on a Fashion Merchandiseing certificate/degree. I am so elated to have an opportunity to walk away with certification of Fashion Merchandiseing when 95% of my days alone are spent browseing online and my day dreams are filled with thoughts of vintage Chanel bags and shades. My mind somehow drifts to my partying ways of the past and its been about four years since I first suffered from cancer. Although I know that waking up and attending college is a blessing I don't know why I can't forget about those days. Just going through most of these experiences alone with only my mom by my side, the Cancer Society along with The S.F. Lukemia and Lymphoma society a phone call away........ I can't help but wonder were all those people I met, hands I shook, guys I loved and friendships I made were all FAKE. When I think about the past, it pains me so much I often block those days out of my mind. I remember praying for my tears to go away and control over my emotions. Now I can think about things that's happen to me in the past and my eyes swell up with tears but they never roll out of my tear ducks along my cheeks and down my face. Somehow that makes me feel stronger. But when I think about the bad things happening to me in the present I cannot hold the emotions back it is then that my anger and tears over power and I have to let it out. Being cancer free now I often wonder if my past before cancer lead me to this very moment.. whether I like to admit it the moment can be quite lonely sometimes, but to be alone is sometimes all I need. ~THE PAST PORCHIALEAN LARKIN~
I have discovered something very beautiful and its called faith. I sometimes think about the future but I very rarely worry about what is the next step for me my life simply because I have learned to trust God. I feel God has brought me thus far, fighting my battles when I am too weak, and showing me that things can change for the better. So with that I am able to walk out of the door not always having a friend to talk too and not a shoulder to cry on and experiencing unspeakable things yet being able to walk with my head held high. You see... when it comes to my faith I now have the ability to worry less on the outcome and focus more on shaping my future. Where is my future heading I often wonder? Will I end up doing reality TV.. well I kinda am already I've started my very own Youtube channel. Will I end up traveling with a group of eccentric fashionistas rocking Jimmy Choos and leather participating in endless fashion shows? who knows the skies the limit. Or might I even have the pleasure of maintaining a steady income growing within a company or a lady exceling from a sales associate to a big wig with an office downtown? It doesn't matter at this point what I dream.. what matters is that I have a future. It doesn't matter what I end up doing....it matters that i'm doing. It doesn't matter where I'm goin as long as I'm going. Honestly my only worry most days is what I will wear! ~THE FUTURE PORCHIALEAN LARKIN
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